As I sit here in my office, WordPress dashboard open, I try to reflect on the power of journaling especially through one’s journey of overcoming mental illness. I was not diagnosed with major depressive and anxiety disorder or PTSD until later in life (in my 30s!) but I’m pretty sure I’ve had these illnesses even as a teenager. The only difference is that I often and quite regularly wrote on a journal as a teen. It was my form of escape, but on the flip side, as my way of processing my emotions in a more logical and rational manner as well. I did this without even knowing it. That’s probably why it worked, because I wrote for my pure love and enjoyment for writing; the healing process was just a subliminal effect of it.
I went off my meds the moment we found out we were expecting Baby #2. Like what most medical professionals and fellow patients would say, I do not recommend this cold turkey method. Literature doesn’t even recommend it. I stopped seeing my therapist as well. Again, I do not recommend stopping treatment. Not many people would be able to cope with it as decently as I did, and I say this given what I had been through, which wasn’t easy. However, I am sure many patients would experience harder withdrawals and relapses that I thankfully only experienced for a few weeks.
The physical withdrawals came first. I sweat throughout the night that it was impossible to sleep with clothes on or change the sheets at least once a day. I relapsed immediately at the same time, and I still do, from time to time. My doctor recommended a more conservative regimen for the same medications I had already been taking, but I refused to follow it (I repeat, not recommended).
I know it’s a mistake deciding to take things in my own hands, but that’s what I did. I am now only relying on the ‘happy hormones’ pregnancy is supposed to give moms-to-be. But it’s so important to know that many pregnant women still experience mental illness during pregnancy, and in fact it may worsen during pregnancy.
When I relapse, I try to focus on the present. It sounds cliche, but it works. I usually get anxious about the things that are yet to come when I relapse, so focusing on the present gets my mind off of the worries of tomorrow and concentrate on the positivity happening at the moment. So far, it has been working.
I think continuing to journal will also help.
The Paper Crane Diaries 